Cutup
Interview by DEBORAH SOLOMON
Published: December 31, 2008
You’ve just published a new book, “Men Are Stupid . . . and They Like Big Boobs,” a detailed and mostly serious guide to eye lifts, tummy tucks and other forms of plastic surgery.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
You’ve had two face-lifts?
Yes. In 75 years, that’s not bad.
You’ve had your lips plumped?
Yes, of course. About every six months.
Liposuction?
Just on the thighs.
Do you think you’re a plastic-surgery addict?
No. I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth-oriented.
I prefer the aging bohemian, Georgia O’Keeffe look. That’s more my look. Wrinkles are beautiful.
That’s great if you’re Georgia O’Keeffe and each painting is $5 million and they’re sitting at your feet. But if Georgia O’Keeffe were waiting at a bus stop, nobody wouldhave picked her up. Nobody would have pulled over and said, “Hey, baby, want a lift?”
Don’t you think most of us want to be loved for who we are, as opposed to some artificially enhanced version of ourselves?
That will never happen. Are you out of your mind?
Don’t you think you are lovable?
Let’s see how lovable I’d be if I wasn’t sitting in this penthouse.
What do you think of Barack Obama’s appearance?
I think he should have pinned the ears back years ago. They really annoy me. He represents my country now — pin back the ears!
Hillary Clinton?
She shouldn’t do anything. You want a woman to look a little weathered if they’re going to represent the country. I don’t want a secretary of state in a slit dress or the tongue hanging out.
As a pioneering performer who introduced female angst into stand-up comedy, do you see yourself as an artist?
Oh, God, no. It’s so pretentious to think of yourself in those terms.
Do you give a lot of thought to your creative process?
No. None. Because you cannot teach someone comic timing, as we well know.
What do you think of your comedy spawn, like Sarah Silverman?
I think she’s wonderful. And Kathy Griffin, who just stands there and bitches. I love those two.
And how is your daughter, Melissa?
For a mother and daughter we’re amazing. The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
You had a famous rift with her.
Right after my husband’s suicide. Bad rift.
Is it true that you were having liposuction on the day he died?
Yes. Who knew?
That was more than 20 years ago. What is the dating scene like these days?
I just had lunch with an old beau, and it made me very sad.
Because?
I don’t know. We’re all so set in our ways. I love my life, except for losing all that money with Ruth and Bernie. I’m pleading with you, please say, “She lost a bundle with Bernie Madoff.”
Did you?
No, but everybody is walking around now saying that, and that shows that you used to be very rich.
With the economy tanking, you will have to cut back on plastic surgery.
No. I’ll just go to doctors that advertise in giveaway papers.
We should mention that you have a second book coming out, a mystery, “Murder at the Academy Awards.”
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn’t there, find a new favorite.
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